Reflections....
Do people change or do they stay the same? Well, in what way do you look at change. I dreamt last night about a college reunion. My, how I have changed since then!! Or have I? The situations of my late teens and early twenty's are certainly not the same as now. Responsibilities and jobs have drastically changed. However, what seemed to be my greatest personal flaw at 20 is now a source of great success in my life. What changed? Not my personality trait, but how I apply that trait. My modus operandi  is accept people for who they are. What their needs are, are just that - THEIR needs, not mine. However, in my 20's this approach lead to a lot of personal pain. Those close to me chose to do things that were emotionally and psychologically painful to me. No, there was not physical or mental abuse. There was a thought that by allowing these people to do what they needed, I was in some way inferior and didn't deserve to be taken care of. Well, time heals all wounds, as they cliche goes. Through  each successive relationship, I grew stronger and more aware that those who chose to do things that hurt me do not need to be close to me. I can accept their way of being, but I don't have to experience it personally. Full circle, this lesson now is played out by my harping on the person most close to me about behaviors that I don't appreciate. I still accept everyone for their idiosyncrasies, but I refuse to allow hurtful ones in my most intimate relationship. At this point I have recognized that my 'self-preservation' skills mixed with 40 something hormonal changes have lead me to a life of constant bitching. Have I changed? No. Have I learned from life? Yes. Have I taken that lesson to the extreme? YES! But the beauty of life is that reunions (in dreams or in reality) can teach one a lot about one's self.

To be who we really are

Who am I, really. Who are you? When does one ever really know? Some spend life on a task to find their true self. To understand them self completely. Knowledge of self allows us to work within our strengths, resolve conflicts before they develop and be kind to ourselves.This task is noble and admired. What happens when someone knows about themselves but chooses misinformation to justify their behavior? Yes, this happens daily. Possibly examples of those close to you flow into your thoughts. And I am proposing that each of us has a 'justification' for how we act that does not hold water in the light of day. This is not a treaty imploring you to spend years digging deep in to the crevasses of your life so you can live a pure life. But to a lesser degree, attend to the aspects that hurt others. Our mind, specifically the part of our thinking that embodies the perception of ourselves, is masterful at protecting us from thinking that what we choose to do will hurt others. To this end, we can embrace great falsehood, which then harms those we draw to ourselves. The pain we cause others is not a conscious attempt, but pain is an unavoidable outcome. So, how then do we solve this problem. The solution may take serious discussions with others who have left you. It may take the form of sessions with an unbiased listener that poses questions about actions and behavior. It may be the result of study and long walks in the woods. But I fear that we are creatures that protect our idea about how life should run and protect our image of an ideal self so well that many will not think this journey is necessary. Therefore, it is up to each of us to remain trusting of others while remaining aware that the person is also trying to put their best 'front' forward. Trust but verify, as the saying goes. This is a mature way to accept and love others for whom they really are.

Discourse or discordance

What does it mean to truly communicate? People are by biology, social. If it were not for our primary caregiver, we would not live long past birth. Our caregiver quickly tunes into our attempts at communication to meet our needs, else we don't survive. Communication attempts improve as we learn the standardized sounds around us that bring the best change in service. Early interaction with peers improves our ability to understand the needs of others. The process is carried along at first with biological furry but there is a point in which each person needs to carefully attend. It is too easy to find an aged adult who has maintained the same difficulties in communication as found from toddlers. The charge of the adult is not only to pay bills, save money and insure good benefits from your workplace, it is also to hone the ability to communicate. As cliche' as it sounds, communication is truly less about talking than about listening. Communication can be at best be dull and at worst destructive when the persons talking use the interaction as time to play a game of  'free association'. In social situations, communication can help us find resources to meet our needs "Excuse me, where is the restrooms?", but also it is used to stimulate our mind "I have never traveled to Rome, please tell me about your trip!". In the first case, hearing a reply that concerns the person's latest trip to the restroom is not productive communication. In the second case, instructing on how to visit Rome is less interesting than a description of the Spanish Steps at night. Recently, this journeyman realized that when others have a concern for which you are seen as a resource to a solution, the communication is most effective if the listener not only listens, but draws out the concerns of the individual. At best, then the listener can understand the issue and communicate well understood concerns to the resource. At worst, the speaker knows that their concern is heard. This journeyman confesses a deep desire to connect people to solutions and resolution as quickly as possible. Many times, discourse needs to be a steadied, managed, and careful process. Speed is the enemy of communication leading to misunderstanding, distrust and discordance. The convenience of texting may provide quick access to important information, a good conversation is truly impossible!  As the journeyman travels to the center or core of the individual and beyond to micro and macro environments it is apparent that discourse requires time, attention and care. This may be possible during a shared meal, where for the enjoyment of everyone, one needs to keep their mouth shut while chewing, leading to a forced listening time. It may not be able to happen with the insertion of media input. Electronic messages such as blaring TV, budded ears and  web surfing has a greater chance of leading to discordance than discourse.

What is age?

How old are you? A question asked of most people under the age of 15. Then casual friends quit asking and the question is left to the realm of older relatives. We are happy to announce particular birthdays such as 16 (ability to drive) and 21 (ability to drink, rent a car and be treated like an adult...ok, 2 out of the 3). After 21 our society encourages us to shelter our age, look younger than we are, but act as if we don't care. Recently I was in a conversation about the death of an 82 year old - car accident. "She was so young and vital" came from the mouth of my 81 year-old conversation partner. Yes, age is relative! A recent High School reunion helped me see that we all look about the same as way back when. Well, of course! Our facial bone structure has not changed unless some tragic accident had occurred. Some of us lost weight, most of us gained weight. Those that smoke or tanned show signs of skin damage - to be expected. So why all the worry about attending reunions? Why all the secrecy about our age? If you have any faith in physics, you know there is time. The clock is always ticking. Possibly it is the uneasy feelings concerning the future that makes age so daunting. What will the future hold? We are creatures that have the brain capacity to know there is a future and to express concerns about what will meet us there. "It could always be worse!" was a concern shared with me about a new boss. Wow! Each birthday must bring a need to order a higher dose of Adavn if each new thing could bring pending doom. But is the future really worse than the present? Yes, challenges come with living. I would pose that age brings experience, which if processed with a desire to learn, brings wisdom. So is the fear of age the acknowledgment that we are not learning from our life experiences? A fear that we are not truly living? Has it ever been posed this way? Surely it has. So life is full of challenges, as we age we can develop an ability to identify the challenge and use our wisdom to choose a solution, then learn from that solution. Without the constant surprise of life, we do not grow and we do not become wise. I look forward to aging. To the point where I can look back through my life, identify the challenge, the lesson learned and how that lesson helped me grow. Therefore, one is not growing older and closer to death, one is actually growing closer to understanding life!

Where does one belong?

Do we have a perfect place to be? Is there a town or state or country that feels like home? Some cannot imagine being anywhere but where they are born or where they went to college, or where they landed a job. Others have the opposite reaction. 'I don't belong here. I don't thing I belong anywhere'. That is what he said sitting on the hill looking over the new town. Some times it is hard to get to the place that one belongs. 'I am through with this town, I decided to move and now I have to go.' That is what she said when she sold her life possessions to afford the move. Some sit somewhere between these extremes, in the 'what if' of life. Others in 'I had always dreamed of' land. Why the unrest? Why the object resistance to change on the other hand? What does it mean to belong? Where do we belong?  The perfect place? Well, one could drive ones self to the brink striving for the perfect residence in the perfect town. When have you felt the most at home? What about when you are talking to family and friends? When have they sounded like they truly belong. This journeyman has not found the perfect structure or community that generates peace, belonging and happiness. After all, why are mansions sometimes described as cold and hollow and shacks as warm and cozy when many societies try to tell us the opposite is true? But what about the cliche 'home is where the heart is'? Could it be that where we belong comes from our heart, our soul, ourselves? When one finally sees one self and is content with what they see. An HBO show 'Six feet under' episode had Ruth's sister say that she was content...happy lead to too much expectation. Is anyone truly content with their lives these days? The media streams messages of new and improved items that we must have. You can't really be reaching the American Dream if you are not in a big house with a big car and a big credit card debt because you just purchased the latest big screen, 3-D, blue ray, plasma TV (and the new console to store it in). Is that really the American Dream? Wake up! The dream is alive in the freedom to become our true selves. Pursue the career we want, make enough money to support ourselves and our families and to be able to enjoy our lives. The key being that we belong to no other but ourselves. This leads to a self-esteem that comes from good work that we chose to do. And finally, a contentment that is not based in giving up something but becoming all we dreamed we could be. Where does one belong? One belongs when one is able to see that they are the person they always wanted to be. No town or townhouse will provide it, it must come from within.

You get what you want when you truly want it.

How many things do you want to accomplish? There is a list in everyone's mind. Whether it be love, money, success, or friendship (or a particular B.M.I. and cholesterol count) we have goals and desires. Why do some of these seem to never come to fruition? We strive, we apply, we strategize...but to no avail. But are these things we TRULY want? Are they things that we think we need? Are they things that others have convinced us that we need? The reason why an item is desired will give much insight to the availability of that item. Personally, I want to floss after each meal. If I want this so badly...then why don't I carry floss with me wherever I go? What is the true reason I want to floss? Is it because I loathe the tone of my dental hygienist when she is scraping my teeth? Hardly a motivation to start flossing! I see her twice a year. Justification for leaving out the consistent flossing the 5 months between visits is just too easy! I don't really want to floss 3 times a day, I just want my hygienist to stop picking on me, literally. Another goal of mine is healthy eating. Convenience food, adieu. Oh, but the smell of those burgers and fries and the cool allure of the soft serve frozen custard would call to me. Recently I purchased a home with the perfect kitchen. Cooking is a breeze in my 'u' shaped counter top, multiple storage cabinet, kitchen. Homemade bread, scones, cakes, pies, pasta, and chicken soup streams out of the space with plenty of wholesome smells to trail behind. Organic vegetables, fruits, beans and whole grains are brought in from the local store and turned into filling and satisfying meals. What a dream come true! Along with this reality comes a healthier body, mind and better numbers on the scale. It is something desired that would not have happened until I was ready to truly want it. Nothing forced upon or brought about through scolding or self-hatred.      This is not to say that your dreams will come true once you can purchase that item (in this case a house) that will make it easy for you. Plenty of exercise treadmills, home gyms and stationary bikes to the contrary.  Also, this is not to dismiss life-threatening circumstances that can cause drastic changes in behavior.  But if one does not want to go to this extreme before they make a long-desired change, the best plan may be to take it easy. First, examine the reason for what you want. Why is it important? Second, try to take the path of self encouragement and support instead of yelling at yourself. When have you been truly inspired to accomplish something because someone yelled at you? Third, when your dream comes into being, enjoy it! Reward yourself with positive thoughts. Other rewards will follow, don't forget to celebrate them too!!

The first part of the journey

Journey to the center and beyond is a space to record insights, actions and reactions to a life's journey. The one walking this journey is not young but not old either. There are may wishes to be fulfilled, many amazing adventures already had and much understanding sought. Part of the inspiration for this journey is the wisdom of a grandmother who seemed to see through ones facade to the problem weighing on the soul. The journeyman admired this wisdom and was inspired to find the source. But it is not so easy or fast.